Holy Sh!t, I’m a mom!

So here’s the scoop y’all… I haven’t posted in months because I had a baby and so much has changed. I’d like to keep this short, but I’m recapping 3 months so bare with me; where to begin…

I had a home water birth. It was epic. I didn’t even know I was in labour because I had expected severe and extreme pain, but all I got was some cramping. There was really nothing to it (sorry to all of you whose labour was horrible). I decided I’d hang out in my bath tub with my doula while my hubby and midwives frantically prepared the birthing tub in our living room. 5 hours went by and just like that our whole world turned PINK! We had a beautiful baby girl without any pain meds who weighed a perfect 7 pounds, had an APGAR score of 9 and 9, nursed immediately without any issues and slept like a charm. She never had any jaundice and gained her birth weight back in 3 days. She’s amazing! I never cried when she emerged so peaceful out of the water… instead I shouted “We did it!” and felt like a superstar!

This is where the star starts to fade…

I had told everyone when I was prego that I didn’t want visitors, but it would seem that there tends to be a sense of entitlement to the little bundle from everyone who knows you. Long story short, I ended up having a severe case of anxiety to let people hold and touch my baby. My hubby’s family thought a surprise baby shower would be a great idea… instead my anxiety and reluctance to pass my girl around like a plate of cookies created this rumour that I had postpartum depression. I still stand strong that I do NOT have PPD, but instead just want to protect my baby… there were people there I didn’t even know for christ sake! She had developed a severe case of baby acne right before this gathering and I was not interested in showing her off in that state, not to mention the potential for an infection.

Anyways, since then my feelings of stardom have steadily decreased 😦 I felt like every minute she is in someone else’s arms is a minute I will never get back with her at this tender stage. I feel like everyone is either trying to take credit for my triumphs or scold me for my ignorance when it comes to raising my daughter. She’s barely three months old! I feel very alone, like no one can relate to me. I feel like everyone thinks I’m being irrational. Just like every other new mom out there, I want everything to be perfect. I know it won’t be and I’m okay with that, but it doesn’t mean I’m not going to try.

Why is everyone finding it so hard to believe that I don’t need a break from my kid? I love her and think she’s super fun even at this age. Everyone keeps saying “Just you wait…” instead of saying “that’s great!” I find it very upsetting. Why can’t they just be happy for me? The worst advice ever is hearing that I’m spoiling my kid by holding her. If I hear that again I’m going to scream! It’s such dated thinking… but yet I’m the one seen as ignorant. I’m just a first time mom… what do I know, right?!

There was a lot I knew would change once my baby came along, but two things surprised me. First, my expectations of our night time routine were vastly different from my hubby’s. We both agreed that we would co-sleep, but everything else was different. I thought (silly me) that we’d both be involved in basking in this new adventure. When the baby cried awake, I would pass her over to hubby who would then take her to her room across the hall, change her ever so teeny tiny diaper and then bring her back so I could nurse her back to sleep while we smiled and gazed upon her together. However, hubby is not a fan of being woken up… and turns into a grizzly bear despite the beautiful coos and sighs of our precious newborn. It only took a few nights of this routine for him to bark at me and behave as though our baby was a severe inconvenience rather than a joy. When I talked to my hubby one morning about how I didn’t understand what was wrong, this is how he thought things would go… He thought baby would wake and I would take her to her room, change her and nurse her there and bring her back to our comfy bed without him being bothered. He was very irritated to be woken up after only a few hours sleep (if one at all) just to change a wet diaper of a crying infant and then hand her over to me. Not to mention my “shushing” which drove him mad the night before this conversation to the point of barking at me. Now that this was out in the open… we needed to amend things.

I was super disappointed, especially since he had a whole month off work. I thought he’d be more excited to go through this together. Instead, I felt like I was doing it all by myself and in feeling that way (and still riding the hormone high) I felt like superwoman and figured I would handle this myself and be happy to do it, since I hated handing her off anyways. I decided the best thing for my little one was to create a “nest” on our living room recliner. I would rock her to sleep on my chest, then sit way back and enjoy a snooze myself. Hubby would snore himself to sleep in our comfy queen size bed in the bedroom. This seemed to be the best way for everyone to get as much sleep as possible and we have been doing this ever since. So far so good… baby sleeps almost through the night and when she does wake, she doesn’t even open her eyes, I just pop a nipple in her round yawn and 10 minutes later she’s asleep, fed and happy. I don’t even need to change her in the middle of the night anymore 🙂

The second major change that blew my mind was the dynamic between hubby and me. I am a stay-at-home-mom now. I’m fine with this… it’s my preference over going back to work and having someone else raise her. My hubby makes plenty for our growing family. We are very comfortable. Going back to work just to bring in an extra $500 a month after paying daycare is not enough to justify that route of action. But hubby still seems to resent me for this. At least that’s how it feels. I spend all day at home with the babe, so obviously I’m just laying around doing nothing. The house should be spotless and I should be in a great mood all the time with bright eyes and a bushy tail ready to serve dinner on a silver platter. Ugh… Men have no idea. Honestly it’s the greatest thing ever to be home with my babe. I’m happy to be a wife and mother, but feel resented. Again, this is something I thought hubby and I were on the same page about. We talked about this. Yet, he threw in my face one night, “Are you EVER going to go back to work?” I was so dumbfounded because we plan on having more children and we both agree that if we can (and we definitely can) we should be raising our own kids rather than using daycare. This led into a conversation about him insisting that I pump so he could “bond” with the babe during feedings. He called me selfish for insisting that I exclusively breastfeed without pumping. I had done some research and determined that was best for the baby and me and my body. It was easy and free. He piped down once I reminded him that he doesn’t like to be woken up and chances are he wouldn’t be helping out by bottle feeding at 3am… What needless pressure on me 😦 I’m so irritated… and he called me selfish 😦 He even got upset with me that he couldn’t give the baby a soother (another thing we had talked about), because “I wouldn’t let him” and so he could never stop the baby from crying, but because I had boobs I could. So his frustration with the crying babe was my fault. He hasn’t spoke of it since I reminded him of a night our babe cried (overtired) at 2am and even my boobs couldn’t soothe her. I actually woke him up, quite abruptly with the babe’s cry as we entered the bedroom so I could pass her off to him – with hopefully more patience than I had at the time. I tried… but eventually had to take my superwoman cape off. 45 minutes of intense crying at 2am was more than I could handle on no sleep. I needed help… it was definitely his turn. I was actually a little angry that he didn’t hear her from the bedroom and come out with open arms to save the day. That anger intensified when just a few days later he woke up to our cat meowing up a storm to be let out at 5am, but apparently couldn’t hear our wailing babe. I dunno… I’m not a trusting person on the best of days, but I feel like he was just avoiding the whole situation.

So today, my babe is a few days shy of 12 weeks old. I could feel myself breaking down this week. The last two days I’ve felt very overtired. I even had a nap yesterday once hubby came home and I was able to nurse the babe and let Daddy have some quality time.  I’m disappointed that he doesn’t seem to want to engage with her, but instead puts her on her play mat to entertain herself while he plays video games. Today, I woke up feeling irritated and he could tell. Since he asked, I decided to speak about how I was feeling. Specifically that it was bothersome to me that he couldn’t seem to give me any individual attention. He either has the babe and coos at her while I’m talking to him (I know he hears me, buts one eye contact would be great), or he’s focused on the TV or his phone. Apparently, he didn’t understand. I went on to say that I didn’t feel like I had any time to do anything for me. This was a tough one to disclose because there isn’t anything specific that I want to do “for me” its just that I can’t do anything without the babe in tow and she requires a lot of attention, thereby slowing things down. In hearing this, he raised his voice to tell me that I was welcome to do whatever I wanted “for myself” and that I shouldn’t put it on him that I don’t. The rest of this conversation is a blur. I started crying as soon as I finished nursing the babe, passed her to him and left the house. The rest of this day has been me avoiding him except for exchanging the babe when she needs to eat. I’m avoiding being around him right now because I feel very alone with him and so I’d rather just be alone. There’s nothing worse than being with someone and feeling alone.

So this blog is a way of venting my feelings. I like it especially because I’m anonymous. I joined some local Facebook groups in hopes of finding woman that I can relate to, but instead I found people I know who I don’t like very much engaging in conversations that don’t interest me. Social Media FAIL… 😦 I just want someone to talk to that’s going to tell me I’m great no matter what. My self-esteem is so low right now, I just feel defeated 😦 I feel like no one likes me. I feel like I don’t really like myself. I feel immature a well. Or I should say, I feel like my feelings are immature. I don’t know. What’s more is I am a homebody and probably an introvert. I prefer to be at home and stick to myself. People ask me how I don’t go stir crazy. I dunno, I just don’t. I’m most comfortable at home. It’s easy for me to take care of the babe with everything we need at home. Going out into the world at 3 months “just because” is more of a hassle than a pleasure. Not to mention having to breastfeed in public. People are so rude… I’m just feeding my kid… GAWD! If you don’t like it, don’t look.

Well, I hope I haven’t bored to many of you and hopefully there’s someone out there than can relate to me. I look forward to your comments. Please share your experiences and if you have any questions, don’t be afraid to ask 🙂 Thanks for letting me rant and rave.

Until next time…

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Jealousy and low self-esteem

Jealousy

I had typed this December 27, 2012… saved as a draft and never published… a lot has happened since then and I feel like my followers (if any) need some background… so here it is… PUBLISHED…

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So Christmas has come and gone. I think I started too early this year, because I’m definitely over it… or its just that I’m 38 weeks pregnant and so done with 2012 as a whole. I’ve been  feeling so low lately. Disappointed 😦 Worried that my man doesn’t like me anymore. Doesn’t this sound ridiculous? Not that he doesn’t love me, but that he doesn’t like me. I keep feeling like he’d rather be anywhere else than with me. I swear its my pregnancy hormones, or at least that’s what’s been helping me feel better about this situation.

I’m tired of being pregnant and tired of being tired. I’m so disappointed that my man doesn’t seem to want to take care of me. A light back rub or foot rub doesn’t seem like too much to ask, but apparently it is 😦 He’ll get himself 3 beer from the fridge before asking me if I want or need anything. The more he does this stuff, the more I feel like I won’t be able to trust or rely on him when shit hits the fan. Whether that be with the birth, or the baby, or in our lives. We’ve been together almost 4 years now and I’m just scarred of this new adventure in our lives.

He’s a procrastinator and says he works better under pressure. I dunno… I’m due in two weeks and the baby’s room is not even close to ready. I woke up at 3am in a panic about this the other night. I couldn’t sleep and I was angry. I decided to go to McDonald’s and get some “comfort food” and mill over what I was going to do about my situation. Everything seems hard lately and I’m irritated to have to ask for anything… why can’t people (especially my hubby) be more observant?! Moving furniture is not easy… installing hard wood floor is beyond what I’m capable of …

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This is as far as I got on December 27… 3 months and a baby later and I’m not so sure I feel any better… please see my next post for details…

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My pregnant body… my pregnant emotions…

This week I have reached 33 weeks pregnant. It just occurred to me that I’ve reached the 8th month mark. Crazy! About 1 month ago, my midwife told me I had gained 28 lbs in 28 weeks. She wasn’t concerned unless I was going to continue gaining at that rate. I decided to see a dietician just to see if there was anything I could be doing differently. Well, that appointment went well, as did the follow up about a week ago. Ultimately, my food choices aren’t bad, I just need to move more. The weather has turned, but I do have a treadmill… I’m just lazy about it. I have gained about 7 pounds in the last 5 weeks. I don’t feel too bad about the number on the scale, but my body is freaking me out. Not to mention my hormones and emotions are off the charts!

So, I’m stressed out lately. I am on high alert for stretch marks and moisturize every day. I’m very self-concious about how I look in clothes. My bras and panties are tighter and having to wear them at all is annoying. I am on maternity leave so I spend many days at home. My philosophy is why bother getting all done up just to do house work and get sweaty? But then my emotions go crazy. I worry that my man doesn’t want to be with me anymore, that he doesn’t find me attractive, that he will want to leave me… and on and on and on… it’s been ridiculous! It also didn’t help that he changed his mind about going through with a shot-gun wedding next month 😦 I agree though.. I don’t want to be 9 months pregnant in a wedding dress. He doesn’t think we’ll go through with the “party” reception for the family and friends next year, if we just do the quick ceremony this year. This was disappointing, but I did agree in the end.

We had a fight recently because I gave a little nudge about him choosing the flooring for the baby room. I said, I would get busy on all kinds of other stuff, but a lot of it can’t get started until the floor is done. On top of that, our bathroom floor is rotten and we decided that we would gut the bathroom and redo it completely. That project is definitely due, but yet another thing on the list yet to be even talked about. Finally, he ripped out a wall that formed a den in our basement months ago to make room for a bigger space, probably an exercise room. All these things are great ideas and I’m on board to work towards these goals, but he has hit a brick wall and suddenly snaps when I bring them up. After giving him the silent treatment for a day I felt so, so down. I felt trapped in this life of being a stay at home soon to be mother with a man who would never love me as unconditionally as my late father. I fell apart… I cried for what seemed like a whole day. I cried in silence, stepping away to the bathroom for periods of time to let the tears drain and blow my nose, before resurfacing and pretending I was strong again. Finally, we had a break through. He came to me and hugged me and said he was sorry for overreacting about my bringing up the projects. He said he was overwhelmed… that in itself was huge. He has always said “I’m not worried” about everything… but clearly things are starting to come to the forefront for him. We are due in 7 weeks… the clock is ticking.

So now that I’ve gotten all that out… back to my pregnant body and how I feel about it. I’m nervous as to what I’m going to look like on the other side of this journey. I’m so scared. I guess I’m shallow in that way. I have always been small, 5’2″ with curves where they belong. I have always been pretty comfortable in my skin… until now. I also consciously waited until I was “older” for this time in my life. I did it on purpose because I wasn’t sure I was mature enough to handle kids, or if I could give up my being selfish. But also because I didn’t want to be in my early 20s, with a child from a relationship that didn’t last, which would lead to my being a single mother with a destroyed body 😦
I’m sorry that sounds so harsh… but my views were skewed based on what I had seen at that age. So here I am, doing exactly as I imagined… I waited for the right guy, to be financially stable, to have a home and “feel” ready for a family… so why the hell am I so terrified?

I’m worried I will gain too much weight, and that I won’t loose the baby weight. I’m worried I’ll have stretch marks galore and that my hips and thighs with thicken up making my already short body look horrible. I haven’t really considered how having the little baby in my arms will change my thoughts. All I’ve been concentrating on is how horrible I feel on the inside. How we haven’t had sex in what seems like forever. How he doesn’t seem to even get hard when we’re in bed together. I’m terrified he won’t want to be with me after this baby comes. I feel like my pregnancy emotions are taking over inside me and making me think ridiculous thoughts. Sometimes I wonder, “Is he just here because I’m pregnant?” “If I wasn’t pregnant, would we still be together?”… I’m so stressed out.

I love him so much and I’m so scared to lose him. Thank god for his apology yesterday. I needed it so badly. His hug even felt different and his kiss today when he left for work felt different… like it did years ago. I needed it so badly…

So I’m hoping I’m one of those lucky women who doesn’t get stretch marks too badly, that I lose my pregnancy weight and somehow look “better” than I did before I got pregnant. I hope having a baby changes my life, our life… and we eventually get married like we had planned. And I’m hoping to god I don’t fall into postpartum depression…

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Baby Gear – Where to start?!?

Ok I’m panicing! I am 31 weeks pregnant and we haven’t bought a thing. We are not having a baby shower and we are waiting to find out if it’s a boy or a girl. I’m scared and so lost! I have no idea where to start!

The Graco SNUGRIDE® CLICK CONNECT 40 car seat is getting rave reviews, but I’m in Canada. I don’t think I can get it here. The Graco Snugride 35 is available however and the Graco travel systems seem great, but I heard 3 wheeled strollers are better. I’ve also heard Phil & Ted’s strollers or Bob strollers are the best brand, but there are too many reviews to sift through. I don’t want to buy anything more than I need, but marketers are very good at making first timers feel like they need everything!

Please, I’m tearing up just thinking about it all. I know its hormones, but OMG, I’m in panic mode. Please share your advice.

If you could do it over again, what are some things you wish you had known as a first time mom or parent?

What are things you can wait until the baby arrives to buy?

Looking forward to hearing from all of you!

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December 21, 2012… unique elopement ideas?

Just to give you some background, my man proposed to me on my 30th birthday in Mexico this past January 2012. Shortly afterwards we saw a sign describing the 2012 Mayan Prophecy:

The Mayan culture predicted a change in consciousness in the world around December 21, 2012. They predicted a deep change in the universe through the alignment of planets. This will result in a shift of focus from materialism and selfishness into love, kindness and internal peace.

That’s where we came up with the date and it’s really special for us. It’s an awesome theme we want to roll with. Obvisouly, we don’t believe the world is going to end. Well, we found out I was pregnant in May and due in early January 2013. Planning a wedding was not coming easily and we eventually decided to postpone the wedding until after the baby.

Ok, so just recently we tossed around the idea to make it legal on December 21, 2012 anyway, and organize a celebration for the family and friends sometime after the baby is born. Eloping away from home isn’t in the cards because I will be VERY pregnant. It is at this point that we are at a loss. We want to secure the date legally. I want to wear my rings and I want to do the whole hoo-rah properly next year.

I’m so torn, because I want it to be special in a simple way, but no lacklustre. I don’t know how to make this happen. On top of it all, we need to have witnesses (2). This makes it hard, because who we choose might irritate others. Some commissioners have recommended saying our vows in our living room in front of the Christmas tree and then going out for dinner. I’m not sure I’m happy with that. I also don’t know WTF I’m going to wear at 37 weeks pregnant. I feel like I should get a simple, white, maternity wedding dress for the occasion, but I also don’t want to spend money there when I have a newborn to prepare for.

Does anyone have any special or unique ideas????

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Pregnant and job searching… but why?

For some reason, even though I’m 7 months pregnant, I can’t help but look for a job. I quit my Sales Manager job when I found out I was expecting at 5 weeks along. I really don’t need to work. My fiancé has things more than covered. On top of it all, I don’t plan on returning to work after my maternity/parental benefits expire. So why am I addicted to searching for a job? And why does it seem like all the “perfect jobs” came out of the woodwork as soon as I was no longer in the market?
(It took me hours to write this post, but I actually came to some answers at the end… read on and feel free to leave your comments!)

This “addiction” goes back years. For the last 8 – 10 years, I’ve always had great jobs. They have progressively improved my resume as I slowly put in my time, continued my education part-time, and never quit looking for what else was out there.

I have had what some would consider a pretty good career in the hospitality industry, specifically the accommodation sector. My ultimate goal was to become a Hotel Manager and I actually achieved that goal soon after my father died. Talk about lacklustre timing. It was quite a stressful time in my life, not just because of the loss of the most important and influential person in my life, but because the hotel I was running was under severe turmoil. There were major conflicts of interest within the strata council that controlled things, my staff were being accused of stealing from the on-site restaurant even though the local police ruled that out and I was personally being attacked, not to mention I had no support (read: I replaced a GM that moved on and I was not encouraged to replace my former position, therefore I ran the place all on my own with no relief). On top of it all, the management group was on the verge of letting go to another group. Even they had had enough and just wanted out. Nothing was certain and I was not kept in the loop. Business was rough as well… being in a small resort town with little to no activity outside the summer months. This led to my leaving on stress leave and ultimately quitting all together. That was one of the hardest decisions of my life. After wanting and working so hard to reach that goal, it was nothing like what I thought it would be 😦

All this drove me to seeing counsellor weekly, taking citalopram (or Celexa) for anxiety and depression and smoking almost a half ounce of weed every 2 weeks. I was a mess. It was then that I realized my family is more important that I ever gave it credit for. At the end of the day, no matter what mess you’re in, family is forever and is worth investing in. I took this opportunity to try and make some progress with my mother who I hadn’t seen in almost 10 years. Long story short that was a complete flop and assured me that what I saw of her when I was 5 years old was indeed the truth and not a figment of my immature imagination. Needless to say we haven’t spoken since. On the flip side, my brother and I made some progress making efforts to see each other more often. It was also then that I decided I wanted a family of my own.

I was able to pick myself up and move forward from all this 5 months later and secured a Sales and Event Manager position at a local ice rink. It was a little outside my industry, but it was closer to home, and allowed me to see more of my brother and his kids. After the hotel experience, I felt like maybe I was moving too fast and perhaps I was doubting my abilities, but maybe I wasn’t quite ready for that GM position just yet? So for the first year in this new job it was pretty sweet. Good money, good hours and I had lots of support… an easy going boss and staff who had their own staff. Well, eventually management changed (dun dun dun…) and I felt just like I did at the hotel. I was unappreciated and felt as though I didn’t really understand my role in the company anymore. It became more sports related rather than events, sales and marketing based. I ended up longing to be back in the industry I knew so well and had a passion for. Therefore, I left on good terms and successfully pursued a Sales Manager position for new hotel in the next town.

It was slightly less money, but it was in the industry I loved, understood and felt comfortable in. One week into my training, I discovered I was pregnant (5 weeks). I felt immediate regret for leaving my last position. In hindsight I sometimes think I should have stuck it out and went on maternity leave like anyone else would have done. But how was I to know? And at the same time, I had  to leave. I was so utterly unhappy there. So here I was in a new job and pregnant, not to mention extremely sick which caused me to miss my second week of work. Not exactly the first impression I had in mind when starting this new job. After discussing things with my man, we agreed I would step out gracefully now rather than later considering they would spend months training me just to have me go off on maternity leave with no intention of returning afterwards. This was a bittersweet decision. I really could use the break, mentally as well as physically… but I had also just gained the next best position in what I thought would be a series of career moves back to the top with a great hotel chain.

Talk about confused. I felt really lost at this point in time. I guess I still do. I never grew up with a nurturing mother. Instead, I grew up with a hard working father and brother. Without their encouragement, I felt it was my duty to one day become a business woman, able to support herself; one who would never ever need to rely on a man. Having seen the destruction that was caused for both my parents when they separated, I vowed never to put myself in that position… ever!

Well, I resisted the idea of marriage, kids, and joining bank accounts with a man for almost 30 years. When my Dad died, I felt like I had no safety net anymore, even though I was left completely set for the rest of my life. I guess this is the point in my life where a lot of my thoughts changed on how I would live the rest of my years. It was also at this time where I let go of a 3 year relationship with a guy I knew wasn’t for me. This was step one probably. Once that weight was lifted off my shoulders, I began seeing a new guy shortly thereafter who happened to be someone I went to high school with. He is the man who proposed to me on my 30th birthday. He is the father of my unborn child. He’s the one that takes care of everything financially (aside from my portion for EI (for now)). He is the one who changed everything! That feeling of security is back… at least on that front.

So, I’m back to the beginning… why am I looking for a job? Has anyone else experienced this? I see jobs that really interest me, especially in marketing and I want it. I think of all the schooling I’ve completed and I want more. It’s silly really, because I’m sure once baby comes I’ll be glad I didn’t try to accomplish more than I could handle. Been there, done that and been burnt out before. Plus, who would want to hire a pregnant woman. I’ll officially be on mat leave in roughly 2 weeks. Why won’t I start nesting already? I guess I’ll chalk it up to vulnerability. With my past anxiety issues, you can see why I’m so worried. What if something goes wrong… it has time and time again for almost everyone in my life around me. I feel like if I have a job, I’m wanted, I’m admired, I’m appreciated and I’m fulfilling something in me. I guess that’s what being a mother is about and until that time comes, I just won’t get it. I suppose the job I’m looking for has already been offered and accepted and I’m just in the training process right now… the probationary period if you will. Interesting how blogging an almost 1500 word post would finally allow me to reach an answer that was always there, I just couldn’t see it before.

I feel somewhat satisfied to go on with my life now. Funny how that can happen in  a matter of hours (yes, it took me hours to finish writing this). I’m a firm believer in “Everything happens for a reason” and although the death of my father profoundly changed my life, I’m at peace with it. He has left me the house I grew up in and now I will raise my own child here. How many people can say that?

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I like the brisk mornings and a need for a scarf.
I seem to like the delay in sunrise as well (for now).
I especially enjoy the rain that makes a puddle at the end of my driveway.
But most of all I feel so cozy when I hear that furnace kick in.
Some might call it autumn, but I call it home 🙂

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If I knew then, what I know now…

I will be 29 weeks pregnant at the end of this week. I have been kind of depressed lately, or at least a little confused, anxious and down. I am generally a very confident person, but as my life slowly changes I can’t help but feel like my past self has let my future self down.

If I knew that my mother would use me against my Dad when they separated, I never would have trusted that she was looking out for me, when in fact she was only looking out for herself.

If I knew that kissing another girl on the cheek at my 10th birthday party (as a joke) would result in my entire class calling me a lesbian and having to switch schools, I never would have done it… especially since 2 year later I would run into those same people again in junior high.

If I knew that getting in that older guy’s car (5 years older) and going to that party where I didn’t know anyone would result in getting date raped, I would have said NO!

If I knew that pretending to be someone I wasn’t (a tough girl, a “hardcore girl”, a rebel) would push so many people away, I never would have tried so hard.

If I knew that holding grudges and refusing to forgive would only hurt myself, I would have tried harder to make amends.

If I knew that smoking so much pot would cause people to look down on me rather than admire me for my tolerance, I never would have picked up the habit that took so many years to break.

If I knew that moving away for a job would allow me the freedom to do more harm to myself than good, I never would have applied.

If I knew that my Dad would pass away when I was 26, I never would have treated him like I did. I would have spent every moment I could with him, trying to understand how hard it must have been to live with bipolar disorder.

If I knew that the house I grew up in was the house I would inherit, I would have made more of an effort to preserve the memories our family had created in it.

If I knew that I’d still be living in my hometown at 30, I would have tried harder to make and stay friends with those I went to school with.

If I knew that I would finally get engaged at 30, I probably would have spent a little more time considering what it would be like to plan a wedding and be someone’s wife.

If I knew that my fiancé would make more money than me, I never would have gone to school for 10 years only to consider being a housewife.

If I knew that I would be pregnant 4 months after I got engaged, I never would have quit the easy and better paying job that I had at the time for a job that required more time and travel.

If I knew that one day I would be a mom, I would have tried harder to get to know my own mother.

I could go on and on… I just don’t know where to go from here. I truly believe in following my heart and that it will lead me to happiness, but I’m worried. I’m worried I’m going to make mistakes and at the same time, I understand that’s part of the process. I feel like I just want to run away (with my hubby). I wish we could start life over in a new place and that we could start fresh. I want a re-do.

When I think bad to 10 years ago, even 5 years ago, I’m so disappointed with myself. I could have done so much better. Better for myself and for my family. I look back and say to myself, “what a terrible person I was”. I was mean. I was unfair to those who didn’t deserve to be treated that way. I was selfish… I was very greedy. I was unappreciative and only thought of myself. I betrayed friends and talked bad about people. When I think about all this now, I feel like I don’t deserve the life I current live. At the same time, I’m unsatisfied. It’s just a crock pot of emotions, thoughts and feelings and I’m unsure what to do with it all.

If I knew then, what I know now… I would change everything about me starting from when I was old enough to realize what the hell was going on around me. The events of my very early life profoundly changed who I was… and it wasn’t fucking fair! As a child I did not deserve to have to be an adult at such a young age. Now, ironically, I feel like I’m the most immature 30 year old I’ve ever met.

I agree with the idea that you can’t change the past, but you can influence your future. But for some reason, I still don’t have peace with this. I’m not “losing my mind” as I sometimes can when I worry. This is somewhat of a passive anxiety I’m dealing with. It’s a weird feeling, probably pregnancy hormones, but I thank you all for allowing me to use my blog as an outlet to get it out of my head. Maybe I will get some sleep tonight.

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