Today we had our second ultrasound at 22 weeks. This is our first baby, so we are excited, anxious, overwhelmed and all the rest of it. What seems to take away from this experience is any interaction we have with hospital staff – at least for me. I’m disappointed that it’s business as usual for the ultrasound technicians. They act like robots 😦
Today, I had the pleasure of being a student’s guinea pig. I felt like I wasn’t even in the room as the tech and her student talked about how to do this and that. I felt like I wasn’t going to get great pictures because he was still new and learning. On the flip side, my self mastery card in yoga today was about balance. I tried to remember that while I laid on the table annoyed with how things were going. But, everything looks great and baby is a busy bee in there! I thought that seeing a more real image of the body would make it seem more real, but for some reason it doesn’t.
I feel like the next 4 months are going to go by so quickly. I feel sort of like there’s this time line and that I have a short amount of time to get whatever it is I want to get done sans baby in tow. Has anyone else felt like this? I don’t even know what those things are, but I feel this pressure… this anxiety. I always try to be proactive to prevent any challenges if possible – this probably comes from living with my bipolar father.
That’s another thing – I never thought I’d have a baby without my father around to guide me. I don’t care that my mother isn’t around, she was useless with me and my brother, I don’t expect much from her now. But, my dad was my everything. I even said to my fiancé 3 years ago (after my dad died) that I didn’t plan on getting married or having kids in the future, because it was too hard to imagine doing it without him. Obviously, things have changed and I remind myself that he would have wanted this and sometimes I think it may even be easier without him. I say that only because his disorder sometimes made things impossible and so I comfort myself with knowing he now rests in peace and there is a little weight off my shoulders.
So the count down is on. Baby’s due in January. I keep referring to him as a him, but I don’t know for sure. I want a boy because I like the idea of the big brother (like in my family), although change has proven to be good for me, so we’ll see what this bundle brings come the new year. Lucky 13 🙂