Vicious Internal Dialogue

I’ve had a rough week… a very rough week. It started last Thursday and, well here we are a week later and I’m still trying to convince myself that “the only way out is through“.
PS: I may ramble in this post – you’ve been advised.

After I tried that meditation class last Thursday, I came away feeling weird. Not refreshed, but weary. It was intensified by reading a story in my local newspaper about an old employer of mine. This got my blood pumping. I hate that guy – condescending and out-to-lunch he is. On top of this, the pit bull I live with was being the worst listener ever and just watching my fiancé “look on” as if nothing was happening piqued my irritation this day. The resentment I hold against my man for the dog issue among other things has been so strong lately. Pregnancy hormones?? A bout of bipolar mania? Or just my high strung personality? I’m so angry and I can’t shake it.

My internal dialogue has been fierce. I’m feeling very, very alone and I’m so angry about it. My fiancé doesn’t seem to feel it important to validate my feelings. He’s a “brush it under the rug” kinda guy… doesn’t like confronting issues. Therefore, I’m disappointed more and more as the days go on.

Speaking of disappointment, a synonym for this word (in my world anyway) is my mother. It’s her birthday today… which only makes today more annoying than it would be otherwise. I don’t talk to her anymore… haven’t for two years. She has disappointed me all my life and the fact that her birthday falls in a week that has been so hard for me just aggravates me – like she’s pushing my buttons from afar. She’s the only person I haven’t gone out of my way to tell that I’m pregnant. Ironically, my fiancé feels the same about his mother. Lately, I feel like this is all we have in common – hating our mothers. I feel a lot of pressure to be Super Mom because of this stigma. I feel so contradicted when I want to make a move with the pit bull, but I’m then told I’m overreacting. Then he’s the one who forgets to give the brindle boy his meds or feed him in the morning. I digress…

I have attempted to walk the dog every day this week to see if we can make some progress – him and I that is. The pooch seems to appreciate the attention, but he is very bad mannered throughout the walks. His energy is so high… I can barely handle him. However, some days are better than others – this irritates me because he’s inconsistent and hard to predict. I don’t handle unpredictability well. Another reason why I sometimes wonder if my father’s misfortunate of being bipolar has found its way to me. My anxiety is through the roof on these days.

I resent the fact that when my fiancé has “free time” he not only spends it away from me, but the dog too. You can’t take a dog golfing… or fishing (when you own this pit bull)… or going to have a beer. So both the dog and I are left to loathe these activities instead of encouraging my man to have “his own life”. I’m so upset that I cry all the time… again, pregnancy hormones, or…? I’m so tired of feeling like I’m not important. Feeling like my feelings don’t matter.

This brings me to the sex life that has been lacklustre from the beginning (should I start a new blog post for this?). My man has an issue with premature ejaculation. Something I have decided to overlook, because I love him. He has no interest in trying to resolve this issue. Four years have gone by and aside from immediately afterwards, he has completely ignored it as if it’s not happening. He genuinely seems very sorry when it does happen, but I’m over the apology. I want forplay… I want after play… I want to cum too dammit! Obviously getting pregnant wasn’t an issue… and we are both happy and excited for our future, but I’m left feeling really, really empty and alone. I’m so depressed. He’s gotten to that “comfortable” stage where he doesn’t even talk about it now.

My internal dialogue has been blaming myself for letting all the things that bother me… well, bother me. I keep telling myself that I am settling for less than I deserve. I keep spinning my wheels about how stuck I feel now that I’m pregnant. He’s the breadwinner and I’m at home all the time… feeling neglected and resentful. I didn’t enter into this relationship feeling like this was where I’d be. I admitted at the beginning of our relationship that I wasn’t going to be having kids (my choice) and I didn’t feel that a wedding was necessary in a relationship. The idea here was to be upfront before he got too invested in us only to find out that I wouldn’t be the “family” type.

This independence stems from growing up with only my bipolar father to raise me and my brother who was so much older than me that I barely know him (8 years older). Kids meant responsibility and I felt I was better suited for business duty than home duty. Plus, I had never been around kids… in fact was the baby in all my extended family – babies terrified me. I had made a great go of my career and was close to reaching my goals when my fiancé and I reunited after knowing each other from high school. My father had just passed away and I couldn’t imagine getting married or having kids without him – not to mention the expense that these things conjure up. Therefore, I made my position solid that if my man wanted to proceed with me these were the terms he would have to abide by. He agreed and things progressed nicely.

I feel like we have good times and bad… like everyone else. But when they are bad, I’m at such a loss. I inherited the house we live in (debt free), but we have managed to indulge and now find ourselves $40K in debt… all under my name, because his credit is shit. I feel really suffocated that he is not willing to discuss financials, sexual issues, my feelings… etc etc etc, I feel like I have no where to turn.

In an effort to be more healthy for my baby, I have kick a severe marijuana habit. This habit deserves its own post… I was a chronic smoker… all day, every day. It kept my anxiety to a minimum… that and the citalopram I was on. This pushed me to eliminate certain people from my life… which was a good thing. No regrets there, except…
I have no friends now. I have no one to turn to that I can trust. Not even my fiancé can fill that void of a reassuring and encouraging ear. I’m not asking anyone to fill my Dad’s shoes, but he was the only one I could count on in situations like this. Where I’m going with this is that my man said he’d quit smoking cigarettes, but he hasn’t (and he doesn’t smoke pot). In fact, I think his smoking has increased… in connection with his drinking maybe. I’m so tired of hearing the beer can tab pop *clicpsss*! I’m not opposed to a casual and social drink, but a 6 pack every night is excessive. I’m so angry!

I have a midwife appointment to run off too, so I’m going to leave it at this. I wonder if my man will have remembered to meet me there today? He forgot about it yesterday and the appointment we have to get the truck serviced, but apparently remembered all week that he “may” have tickets to a golf tournament this weekend. F*ck… I’m so irritated. He is out of province all next week and I am really looking forward to this time apart. I mean… I’m alone anyways….

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11 Responses to Vicious Internal Dialogue

  1. u knw mia…after reading ur dis post i am feeling both bad and good for u…bad as u r really in many problems..and good because u have realised it…
    u knw many people fail to realise their problems and dis is vry bad…bt u have done it so pat ur back for it….
    there is a suggestion i wud like to give u dat u find someone who is readly to listen to u and understand u …dnt go out and tell evrybody…nt evrybudy will understand..they will make fun…
    so chose someone who u can open up to…and be regular in ur meditations…i dnt have wrds to say all that i wanna say…bt in the end,,,i will say dis…BE STRONG…EVERYTHING IS GONNA BE ALRIGHT….smile… 🙂

    • 16sedici16 says:

      It seems that’s as far as I usually get… being aware. I read a quote on Facebook recently – “Sometimes it’s better to keep silent, than to tell others what you feel, because it hurts badly when you come to know that they can hear you, but can not understand.” I believe this.It helps to try to remind myself to have faith that everything is goon work out the way it’s supposed to and I just need to relax and recognize some days are better than others. Thanks for your comment.

  2. It may help to know that meditation is not just being aware. It’s being aware that you’re aware. So may I ask, “Are you aware of what your saying in your blog?”

    • 16sedici16 says:

      Meditation is so confusing for me. At last nights class I tried to concentrate on my breathing by envisioning the words “IN” and “OUT” as I was inhaling and exhaling. It was like a Sesame Street episode in my head. I don’t know what you are asking – am I aware of what I’m saying… like… how? I mean, I think so… I’m saying it, aren’t I? Maybe I’m not getting it, but I’ve only gone to two meditation classes and a little bit during yoga twice a week… still a novice over here 🙂

      • Being aware of what’s going on in the mind is like being aware of a movie on a theatre screen. Although some part of us knows it’s not real we nonetheless get caught up in the drama, identify with the characters, feel what they feel, hurt when they hurt. Then the final reel comes with the surprise ending. We go home, making connections and realize that throughout the movie were the clues as to what was really going on. We saw them, but just didn’t recognize them for what they were.

        Throughout life we are aware of the story playing on the screen of mind but seldom become aware of what’s really going on because we fail to discriminate what’s real and true from what’s empty and false. When we do we may laugh or kick ourselves for missing the obvious that was starring us in the face all along.

        Of course it’s easy to read a short blog and think you know what’s going on in a person’s life, but your blog does generate concern in those that read it. My particular concern is that while you are certainly aware of your movie, you aren’t aware of where the story line is going or how unhappy its “star” is.

  3. Rachel Ott says:

    I’m concerned about your well-being in this situation. I understand anger (I’m currently angry about almost EVERYTHING) but you need a support system outside of your man to deal with the circumstances that are not working at the moment. Have you considered attending a pregnancy/new mom’s support group?

    Please try not to worry about worrying. It’s cyclical and does you no favours. I know it’s easier said than done, but try to designate a specific time in the day in which to worry (postponing your worry) to make it more manageable. I got this tip from my counselor last night and am trying it out for myself today. It’s a skill, just like anything else, so don’t fret if it seems hard at first.

    • 16sedici16 says:

      This blog is helping me get out some of my frustrations without bad mouthing my man to people he has to look at in the face at some other time. Obviously I love him and I love my life with him… but there are times when I want to scream. Mostly because things are not going my way… like we are not on the same path, or we are do not seem to be working towards the same goals and that’s frustrating. The other tough thing is, I have eliminated certain people in my life (which is a good thing) but I’m not at the point where I may need to “make new friends” and that’s hard for me. I don’t trust anyone and as soon as a newbie disappoints me in some way, I’m like, “The hell with them!” I mean, how hard is it to do what you say you’re going to do… why is that difficult for people? On the flip side, I’m a homebody mostly and a loner. As in – I prefer to spend my time at home or by myself. The only person I have a real loyalty to is my man. What I mean is, if I’m going to have a partner in something… he’s my number one, go-to person. But its so upsetting that I don’t seem to be his. He’d rather golf with someone else etc. I am all for guy bonding time etc. but to never seem to be the one he’s excited to spend time with is really hurtful to me. I’ve been pretty emotional since getting pregnant and he even said to me one time, “I don’t even want to be around you”… I cried when I told him I don’t ever want to hear that again. He was trying to motivate me to being happier… men are stupid. My life – a work in progress… and the only way out is through!

  4. I hope your rambling released somewhat of the things trapped inside you.
    Since you questioned whether this was all the act of pregnancy hormones, I was thinking, have you thought of maybe talking to someone during this time? If you do they will know the ins and outs of everything, and at least that way you might be able to feel reassured that everything is as it should be.
    I feel slightly pathetic giving YOU advice considering you must be much more educated than I but hohum, I feel guilty not trying to contribute.
    About not knowing your brother and being the youngest etc etc – I can TOTALLY relate. My sister is also 8 years older than me – we do know each other quite well but there are a lot of details missing because of the 8 year difference. I mean, she may know something my friend doesn’t know, but in the same way my friend will know something she doesn’t know that’s a basic element of who I am. It’s a difficult relationship to lead, but perhaps now that you are older it may be easier to get to know each other. At least you have both reached a certain level of maturity? I hate being my family’s baby, and it terrifies me to think that I will be like this FOREVER (at least until a newborn joins us which doesn’t seem to be too soon!)

    Good luck with everything. And relax 🙂

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