If I knew then, what I know now…

I will be 29 weeks pregnant at the end of this week. I have been kind of depressed lately, or at least a little confused, anxious and down. I am generally a very confident person, but as my life slowly changes I can’t help but feel like my past self has let my future self down.

If I knew that my mother would use me against my Dad when they separated, I never would have trusted that she was looking out for me, when in fact she was only looking out for herself.

If I knew that kissing another girl on the cheek at my 10th birthday party (as a joke) would result in my entire class calling me a lesbian and having to switch schools, I never would have done it… especially since 2 year later I would run into those same people again in junior high.

If I knew that getting in that older guy’s car (5 years older) and going to that party where I didn’t know anyone would result in getting date raped, I would have said NO!

If I knew that pretending to be someone I wasn’t (a tough girl, a “hardcore girl”, a rebel) would push so many people away, I never would have tried so hard.

If I knew that holding grudges and refusing to forgive would only hurt myself, I would have tried harder to make amends.

If I knew that smoking so much pot would cause people to look down on me rather than admire me for my tolerance, I never would have picked up the habit that took so many years to break.

If I knew that moving away for a job would allow me the freedom to do more harm to myself than good, I never would have applied.

If I knew that my Dad would pass away when I was 26, I never would have treated him like I did. I would have spent every moment I could with him, trying to understand how hard it must have been to live with bipolar disorder.

If I knew that the house I grew up in was the house I would inherit, I would have made more of an effort to preserve the memories our family had created in it.

If I knew that I’d still be living in my hometown at 30, I would have tried harder to make and stay friends with those I went to school with.

If I knew that I would finally get engaged at 30, I probably would have spent a little more time considering what it would be like to plan a wedding and be someone’s wife.

If I knew that my fiancé would make more money than me, I never would have gone to school for 10 years only to consider being a housewife.

If I knew that I would be pregnant 4 months after I got engaged, I never would have quit the easy and better paying job that I had at the time for a job that required more time and travel.

If I knew that one day I would be a mom, I would have tried harder to get to know my own mother.

I could go on and on… I just don’t know where to go from here. I truly believe in following my heart and that it will lead me to happiness, but I’m worried. I’m worried I’m going to make mistakes and at the same time, I understand that’s part of the process. I feel like I just want to run away (with my hubby). I wish we could start life over in a new place and that we could start fresh. I want a re-do.

When I think bad to 10 years ago, even 5 years ago, I’m so disappointed with myself. I could have done so much better. Better for myself and for my family. I look back and say to myself, “what a terrible person I was”. I was mean. I was unfair to those who didn’t deserve to be treated that way. I was selfish… I was very greedy. I was unappreciative and only thought of myself. I betrayed friends and talked bad about people. When I think about all this now, I feel like I don’t deserve the life I current live. At the same time, I’m unsatisfied. It’s just a crock pot of emotions, thoughts and feelings and I’m unsure what to do with it all.

If I knew then, what I know now… I would change everything about me starting from when I was old enough to realize what the hell was going on around me. The events of my very early life profoundly changed who I was… and it wasn’t fucking fair! As a child I did not deserve to have to be an adult at such a young age. Now, ironically, I feel like I’m the most immature 30 year old I’ve ever met.

I agree with the idea that you can’t change the past, but you can influence your future. But for some reason, I still don’t have peace with this. I’m not “losing my mind” as I sometimes can when I worry. This is somewhat of a passive anxiety I’m dealing with. It’s a weird feeling, probably pregnancy hormones, but I thank you all for allowing me to use my blog as an outlet to get it out of my head. Maybe I will get some sleep tonight.