This week I have reached 33 weeks pregnant. It just occurred to me that I’ve reached the 8th month mark. Crazy! About 1 month ago, my midwife told me I had gained 28 lbs in 28 weeks. She wasn’t concerned unless I was going to continue gaining at that rate. I decided to see a dietician just to see if there was anything I could be doing differently. Well, that appointment went well, as did the follow up about a week ago. Ultimately, my food choices aren’t bad, I just need to move more. The weather has turned, but I do have a treadmill… I’m just lazy about it. I have gained about 7 pounds in the last 5 weeks. I don’t feel too bad about the number on the scale, but my body is freaking me out. Not to mention my hormones and emotions are off the charts!
So, I’m stressed out lately. I am on high alert for stretch marks and moisturize every day. I’m very self-concious about how I look in clothes. My bras and panties are tighter and having to wear them at all is annoying. I am on maternity leave so I spend many days at home. My philosophy is why bother getting all done up just to do house work and get sweaty? But then my emotions go crazy. I worry that my man doesn’t want to be with me anymore, that he doesn’t find me attractive, that he will want to leave me… and on and on and on… it’s been ridiculous! It also didn’t help that he changed his mind about going through with a shot-gun wedding next month 😦 I agree though.. I don’t want to be 9 months pregnant in a wedding dress. He doesn’t think we’ll go through with the “party” reception for the family and friends next year, if we just do the quick ceremony this year. This was disappointing, but I did agree in the end.
We had a fight recently because I gave a little nudge about him choosing the flooring for the baby room. I said, I would get busy on all kinds of other stuff, but a lot of it can’t get started until the floor is done. On top of that, our bathroom floor is rotten and we decided that we would gut the bathroom and redo it completely. That project is definitely due, but yet another thing on the list yet to be even talked about. Finally, he ripped out a wall that formed a den in our basement months ago to make room for a bigger space, probably an exercise room. All these things are great ideas and I’m on board to work towards these goals, but he has hit a brick wall and suddenly snaps when I bring them up. After giving him the silent treatment for a day I felt so, so down. I felt trapped in this life of being a stay at home soon to be mother with a man who would never love me as unconditionally as my late father. I fell apart… I cried for what seemed like a whole day. I cried in silence, stepping away to the bathroom for periods of time to let the tears drain and blow my nose, before resurfacing and pretending I was strong again. Finally, we had a break through. He came to me and hugged me and said he was sorry for overreacting about my bringing up the projects. He said he was overwhelmed… that in itself was huge. He has always said “I’m not worried” about everything… but clearly things are starting to come to the forefront for him. We are due in 7 weeks… the clock is ticking.
So now that I’ve gotten all that out… back to my pregnant body and how I feel about it. I’m nervous as to what I’m going to look like on the other side of this journey. I’m so scared. I guess I’m shallow in that way. I have always been small, 5’2″ with curves where they belong. I have always been pretty comfortable in my skin… until now. I also consciously waited until I was “older” for this time in my life. I did it on purpose because I wasn’t sure I was mature enough to handle kids, or if I could give up my being selfish. But also because I didn’t want to be in my early 20s, with a child from a relationship that didn’t last, which would lead to my being a single mother with a destroyed body 😦
I’m sorry that sounds so harsh… but my views were skewed based on what I had seen at that age. So here I am, doing exactly as I imagined… I waited for the right guy, to be financially stable, to have a home and “feel” ready for a family… so why the hell am I so terrified?
I’m worried I will gain too much weight, and that I won’t loose the baby weight. I’m worried I’ll have stretch marks galore and that my hips and thighs with thicken up making my already short body look horrible. I haven’t really considered how having the little baby in my arms will change my thoughts. All I’ve been concentrating on is how horrible I feel on the inside. How we haven’t had sex in what seems like forever. How he doesn’t seem to even get hard when we’re in bed together. I’m terrified he won’t want to be with me after this baby comes. I feel like my pregnancy emotions are taking over inside me and making me think ridiculous thoughts. Sometimes I wonder, “Is he just here because I’m pregnant?” “If I wasn’t pregnant, would we still be together?”… I’m so stressed out.
I love him so much and I’m so scared to lose him. Thank god for his apology yesterday. I needed it so badly. His hug even felt different and his kiss today when he left for work felt different… like it did years ago. I needed it so badly…
So I’m hoping I’m one of those lucky women who doesn’t get stretch marks too badly, that I lose my pregnancy weight and somehow look “better” than I did before I got pregnant. I hope having a baby changes my life, our life… and we eventually get married like we had planned. And I’m hoping to god I don’t fall into postpartum depression…