27 weeks pregnant and slowing down :(

Well, I feel like I woke up one day last week (or even two weeks ago, its all a blur now) and felt like I was pregnant for real all of a sudden. I’ve sloooowwwed right down. I’m so tired all the time and feel so guilty about it.  On top of it all the weather has turned nasty and the brindle boy is not getting his daily walks. My man obviously doesn’t think its important, because when he gets home from work, the last thing on his mind is taking the dog out. I feel so guilty… guilty about the dog, guilty that I’m so lazy, guilty that I haven’t even been keeping up with my yoga practice. I’m wiped all the time and dread going out into public. I feel yucky and like my maternity clothes don’t fit well anymore. The baby is moving all the time and sometimes its bothersome to the point where I can’t sleep. I don’t want to do anything… not even shower most days. I just want to ounce around and watch movies in my PJs all day. When I was hiking up a storm I was feeling great, but as soon as the rain hit everything just stopped. I’m starting to feel depressed. I see my neighbour who has 2 kids and is prego with #3 and she seems to be full steam ahead and she’s 4 weeks more along than me. I even read an article about 10 instances where it’s better to be pregnant… I disagreed with all but one. My hubby just mentioned he can’t make tomorrow’s midwife appointment. This is the first time he couldn’t make it and it really upset me. I dunno why, its not really a big deal. I just don’t like the thought of going through any of this by myself. I finally decided to let the cat back in the house. I think I missed her more than I realized. She’s my buddy… she listens better than the dog and likes to cuddle me more than my man. I’m getting emotional just writing this. I feel like the first trimester is starting all over agin: I’m tired and weepy, only instead of being nauseous, I’m eating everything in sight. I feel huge and I’m tired of it. I am a very small person and I feel like my bump is taking over my body. Putting my socks on is a chore. I need more maternity clothes and I dread going to the next town over to shop (where the mat store is). I also dread shopping in my town… I don’t want to run into anyone I know. I don’t feel like being social… I want to be alone, but at the same time I feel guilty about it. I’m also having second thoughts about a hospital birth after seeing my cousins home birth in a water tub via Facebook. This being my first pregnancy, I’m so scared and though I want to do it without drugs, I don’t know if I can. Doing it at home would ensure I don’t go against those wishes, but… I dunno, what if something goes wrong? I’m also having second thoughts about my doula. Not her specifically, but the idea of using one. Some people have made comments like, “All I ever needed was my husband” and so I feel guilty, like I’m inadvertently implying he can’t handle it. I dunno… I need positive thoughts here… I feel like my in a downward spiral and can’t break free 😦

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The Brindle Boy Challenge

I have been absent from blogging for the last three weeks, because I’ve been working vigorously on training my pit bull. I have watched almost all Cesar Millan’s episodes from the first four seasons and checked out all his books. I have taken my pooch on a number of vigorous hikes and worked very hard on disciplining him when required.

It’s been going well, but we have come across a stumbling block. In order to get him from home to the trail of choice, he needs to ride in the back of the truck (with canopy). Riding in the crew cab with me is not an option for two reasons: 1) He flails and panics as soon as I close the back door and before I get in my seat in the front. This results in him usually jumping up into the front and I can’t get him into the back seat without physical force. It’s exhausting and ruining my truck! 2) With the baby on the way, I will NOT under any circumstances have my dog in the back seat with my little person when he reacts the way he does now without the baby present. It’s just too risky!

So the canopy and truck box situation is this…
He is excited to leave the house without me saying anything. He KNOWS when its outside time. I try to keep him calm before exiting the front door. He sits and stays as I inch him a few feet at a time to the truck. Sometimes he gets out of hand and gallops to the back of the truck, circling the vehicle if the tailgate isn’t open. It’s at this point he becomes a poor listener. He doesn’t come when called… he’ll just circle the truck and put his pas on the bumper like, “How do I get in here if it’s closed?” Anyways, I try to bring him back to where I originally asked him to sit and stay, then I finally bring him to the back of the truck to sit and stay again… then I open the gate. I tell him to “Get in the truck” and he happily jumps up. He’ll even get walk in his cage with the door open back there. The problem is when I close the door to the cage or (if the cage isn’t in the truck) when I close the tailgate. Then he starts to bark (an insecure bark) and then he chews the tailgate (before I get the canopy flap down) or he’ll chew at his cage to the point where he has chipped and pulled out numerous teeth!!!

I have tried to follow Cesar’s advice to wait until he’s calm before closing the door, but he is triggered right away. I can’t figure it out. I have even tried treats and cheese to distract him to calm him down and associate the cage/truck as a positive thing. Nothing works! I also can’t wait there all f*ckin’ day for him to calm down… we have places to go and he doesn’t seem to calm down at all. I’ve waited three hours before… it was a tough day! Once we get going, he will whine and bark and bite/destroy the whole way to where ever we are going. But when we get there, I will open the tailgate and tell him to sit in the cage before I open the door and he will respond appropriately. Then the rest of our activity goes fairly well… it’s just GETTING THERE that’s the problem!

I need some help figuring this out!! I need and want him to be relaxed in the back of the truck, so I can continue taking him to fun hiking trails. But my husband has made it clear he wants me to stop because he’s lost so many teeth. He doesn’t seem to be in any pain.I have even asked people at the SPCA and pet stores about this dilemma and no one has a solution. Please help! Thanks!

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Things are lookin’ up :)

 

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Hey guys… well, maybe I was PMSing last week… I dunno, but things are looking’ up 🙂

My man obviously picked up on my silent treatment towards him and showed up without a reminder to our prenatal appointment last Thursday. Later he said, “You’re really upset with me aren’t you?” and I said “Yes, and I don’t want to talk about it right now.” For some reason this was enough to make me feel better. Note to jerky men everywhere: Validating her feelings goes a long way! Somehow, someway… I got over how irritated I was at him.

Next up, the dog… I feel really, really guilty about the post I published on September 8. I don’t hate the dog. I was clearly having patience issues among other things all at the same time. So this past week, I decided since I was the one who has the time to spend with the brindle boy, I should make some effort. I started walking him every day and took him on two hikes this past week. You gotta start somewhere right? I have a three hour hike planned for tomorrow and I’m excited to try a new leash I bought him. I’ll keep you posted… hopefully with pictures 🙂

My man has left for the week on a business trip. I miss him already. This is a good sign… I love him so much even when I’m mad at him! I’m actually glad I chose to blog about my frustrations instead of lose my mind on him last week. If I’ve learned anything about us its that I get upset over stuff that really isn’t worth getting upset about. I feel bad that I’ve painted my guy in bad light to the blogging world – but at least I got some stuff off my chest and I didn’t have to drag his name through the mud with people who know us personally.

So I’ve made some goals:
1) Stick to yoga twice a week – Tuesday and Thursday mornings
2) Stick to meditation classes on Thursday nights
3) Walk the dog every day, even if it’s just around the corner and back
4) Try to hike all the EASY hikes on the local trail guide before I get too pregnant too move at all
I think that’s lots for now, haha.

So all in all, things are looking’ up 🙂 And its times like this that I am able to look back on a rough patch and remind myself that bad days don’t last forever. It can always be worse. 
And, of course… The only way out, is through! 😀

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Vicious Internal Dialogue

I’ve had a rough week… a very rough week. It started last Thursday and, well here we are a week later and I’m still trying to convince myself that “the only way out is through“.
PS: I may ramble in this post – you’ve been advised.

After I tried that meditation class last Thursday, I came away feeling weird. Not refreshed, but weary. It was intensified by reading a story in my local newspaper about an old employer of mine. This got my blood pumping. I hate that guy – condescending and out-to-lunch he is. On top of this, the pit bull I live with was being the worst listener ever and just watching my fiancé “look on” as if nothing was happening piqued my irritation this day. The resentment I hold against my man for the dog issue among other things has been so strong lately. Pregnancy hormones?? A bout of bipolar mania? Or just my high strung personality? I’m so angry and I can’t shake it.

My internal dialogue has been fierce. I’m feeling very, very alone and I’m so angry about it. My fiancé doesn’t seem to feel it important to validate my feelings. He’s a “brush it under the rug” kinda guy… doesn’t like confronting issues. Therefore, I’m disappointed more and more as the days go on.

Speaking of disappointment, a synonym for this word (in my world anyway) is my mother. It’s her birthday today… which only makes today more annoying than it would be otherwise. I don’t talk to her anymore… haven’t for two years. She has disappointed me all my life and the fact that her birthday falls in a week that has been so hard for me just aggravates me – like she’s pushing my buttons from afar. She’s the only person I haven’t gone out of my way to tell that I’m pregnant. Ironically, my fiancé feels the same about his mother. Lately, I feel like this is all we have in common – hating our mothers. I feel a lot of pressure to be Super Mom because of this stigma. I feel so contradicted when I want to make a move with the pit bull, but I’m then told I’m overreacting. Then he’s the one who forgets to give the brindle boy his meds or feed him in the morning. I digress…

I have attempted to walk the dog every day this week to see if we can make some progress – him and I that is. The pooch seems to appreciate the attention, but he is very bad mannered throughout the walks. His energy is so high… I can barely handle him. However, some days are better than others – this irritates me because he’s inconsistent and hard to predict. I don’t handle unpredictability well. Another reason why I sometimes wonder if my father’s misfortunate of being bipolar has found its way to me. My anxiety is through the roof on these days.

I resent the fact that when my fiancé has “free time” he not only spends it away from me, but the dog too. You can’t take a dog golfing… or fishing (when you own this pit bull)… or going to have a beer. So both the dog and I are left to loathe these activities instead of encouraging my man to have “his own life”. I’m so upset that I cry all the time… again, pregnancy hormones, or…? I’m so tired of feeling like I’m not important. Feeling like my feelings don’t matter.

This brings me to the sex life that has been lacklustre from the beginning (should I start a new blog post for this?). My man has an issue with premature ejaculation. Something I have decided to overlook, because I love him. He has no interest in trying to resolve this issue. Four years have gone by and aside from immediately afterwards, he has completely ignored it as if it’s not happening. He genuinely seems very sorry when it does happen, but I’m over the apology. I want forplay… I want after play… I want to cum too dammit! Obviously getting pregnant wasn’t an issue… and we are both happy and excited for our future, but I’m left feeling really, really empty and alone. I’m so depressed. He’s gotten to that “comfortable” stage where he doesn’t even talk about it now.

My internal dialogue has been blaming myself for letting all the things that bother me… well, bother me. I keep telling myself that I am settling for less than I deserve. I keep spinning my wheels about how stuck I feel now that I’m pregnant. He’s the breadwinner and I’m at home all the time… feeling neglected and resentful. I didn’t enter into this relationship feeling like this was where I’d be. I admitted at the beginning of our relationship that I wasn’t going to be having kids (my choice) and I didn’t feel that a wedding was necessary in a relationship. The idea here was to be upfront before he got too invested in us only to find out that I wouldn’t be the “family” type.

This independence stems from growing up with only my bipolar father to raise me and my brother who was so much older than me that I barely know him (8 years older). Kids meant responsibility and I felt I was better suited for business duty than home duty. Plus, I had never been around kids… in fact was the baby in all my extended family – babies terrified me. I had made a great go of my career and was close to reaching my goals when my fiancé and I reunited after knowing each other from high school. My father had just passed away and I couldn’t imagine getting married or having kids without him – not to mention the expense that these things conjure up. Therefore, I made my position solid that if my man wanted to proceed with me these were the terms he would have to abide by. He agreed and things progressed nicely.

I feel like we have good times and bad… like everyone else. But when they are bad, I’m at such a loss. I inherited the house we live in (debt free), but we have managed to indulge and now find ourselves $40K in debt… all under my name, because his credit is shit. I feel really suffocated that he is not willing to discuss financials, sexual issues, my feelings… etc etc etc, I feel like I have no where to turn.

In an effort to be more healthy for my baby, I have kick a severe marijuana habit. This habit deserves its own post… I was a chronic smoker… all day, every day. It kept my anxiety to a minimum… that and the citalopram I was on. This pushed me to eliminate certain people from my life… which was a good thing. No regrets there, except…
I have no friends now. I have no one to turn to that I can trust. Not even my fiancé can fill that void of a reassuring and encouraging ear. I’m not asking anyone to fill my Dad’s shoes, but he was the only one I could count on in situations like this. Where I’m going with this is that my man said he’d quit smoking cigarettes, but he hasn’t (and he doesn’t smoke pot). In fact, I think his smoking has increased… in connection with his drinking maybe. I’m so tired of hearing the beer can tab pop *clicpsss*! I’m not opposed to a casual and social drink, but a 6 pack every night is excessive. I’m so angry!

I have a midwife appointment to run off too, so I’m going to leave it at this. I wonder if my man will have remembered to meet me there today? He forgot about it yesterday and the appointment we have to get the truck serviced, but apparently remembered all week that he “may” have tickets to a golf tournament this weekend. F*ck… I’m so irritated. He is out of province all next week and I am really looking forward to this time apart. I mean… I’m alone anyways….

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I want this dog out of my life!


WARNING: What you are about to read is not a pleasant recollection of my life with this brindle boy and I am not about to defend my thoughts to any haters out there who think I’m a horrible person who should be shot for feeling the way I do. Therefore, if you are not interested in 1) relating with your own similar experiences or 2) having a laugh (maybe), then turn back now… you have been warned!

I’m so frustrated with this dog and even more frustrated with my fiancé. I am so overwhelmed and angry and no amount of meditation seems to make this better. I hate this dog. Sure, he’s pretty and there are times when I think he’s just the cutest thing, but they are so few and far between. His exuberance combined with his brawny body and bad manners… I’m at the end of my rope with him. Whenever I bring up anything to do with the dog to my fiancé, he shrugs it off. He knows my intention is for him to find a new home for this boy, but he refuses.

We are having a baby… our first… and I am terrified. As someone with high anxiety to begin with, I want to limit my challenges now, before have the baby. I like to think I’m a proactive person, someone who prefers to see a possible problem and find a solution prior to anything happening in the first place. I don’t handle stressful situations well. I am trying to prepare my house and home for this little baby and I want everything to be as calm, clean and stress free as possible.

This dog is dirty, he stinks, he has a skin condition and takes novo-prednizone for it. If he goes a day without his pill (which my fiancé sometimes forgets), he will lick himself (because he’s itchy I guess) till he bleeds. On extreme days, he will lick his paws raw and chew the pads of his paws right off… its horrible. Blood everywhere… just a mess. His skin flakes and his kidneys seem to be affected by years of this drug to the point where he has periodic incontinence – on the carpet, on my couch, on my blankets (which he steals from wherever he can find them). I just had my carpets professionally cleaned and he puked all over them the next day… why, you ask… because he got into the garbage while we were out. I was ready to kill him! He is a constant money waster and this is one such example.

My fiancé seems to think that I’m being too high-strung with the dog. I think he is being a negligent pet owner. I do not want this dog… but I do want better for him (and more me). I would love to see this brindle boy have other dogs to play with, have an owner that keeps him active every day and can spend time with him like he deserves.

My fiancé neglects him. Here’s how:
1) He chooses to go fishing after work, but cannot take the dog because of his high energy. He would be a hassle to bring to the river because he would bother other fisherman and get into trouble. 
2) He chooses to go golfing on Saturday – of course the dog can’t go with him to the course.
3) He chooses NOT to take the dog for a walk after work, but instead goes to his “man cave” to play his guitar.
4) If he wants to enjoy a sunny day and take a motorcycle ride… the dog will chase the bike and bark, so he gets locked in the back yard to bark and claw the fence until he gets back. We bought him $150 barking collar to help with this.
5) The dog cannot join us at friend’s houses or any outdoor event because he has a habit of jumping up on people even on a leash and he whines because the barking collar we bought shocks him if he barks. Therefore, he’s left in the house…. all day, every day… bored out of his mind.

The dog has about as much anxiety as I do. He doesn’t want to be with me (not to mention, he won’t listen to me ever), he wants my fiancé and that’s it. The only one who doesn’t seem to be bothered by it all is the one person who should care the most. I do NOT want the responsibility of this high maintenance dog. My priority is my baby and my health during this pregnancy.

Now, I haven’t even got to the point about my anxiety of having a pitbull around a newborn. My man seems to think that because pittys are supposedly really good with kids that everything is going to be fine. I’m sure some pittys are the best friend a kid could ever have, but this dog is a hazard to me now and the baby isn’t even here yet. He’s in my way… I trip over him all the time, especially in the kitchen. He doesn’t listen to me when I tell him “OUT”… he doesn’t listen to me ever. My main argument is if he won’t listen to me now, who’s to say he’ll listen when the baby is here and when it really matters!

I am convinced that my stress level will be significantly reduced if I could get this dog out of my life. I need advice… and a f*cking miracle! How do I get my fiancé to see that this dog needs to go to a better home!? I need my sanity and our baby deserves better! When he went fishing yesterday, the dog sat at the front door whining for hours until he came home… this is what it looked like:

This isn’t fair to anyone. Why won’t my fiancé stop being so selfish! What can I do here besides find a new home for the brindle boy myself? – which isn’t something I’m prepared to do, because its not fair to my man. I need him to agree that something needs to be done and I need him to do it!

I’m looking forward to hearing similar stories from others so I don’t feel like I’m crazy. I encourage sharing suggestions if you think they will help. What I don’t need is someone telling me that I need to take time out of my day to train this dog myself. I don’t want this dog – I want him out of my life. I repeat – I do not want to take responsibility for this dog… I need to convince my fiancé that the best thing for everyone is to let the dog go to a home who has more time, energy and love for the boy. Thank you for taking the time to read this rant. I feel a little better getting this off my chest. It’s time for me to meditate – Namaste!

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Meditation 101

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Yesterday seemed like a dramatic day. I started the day off with a fantastic yoga session with my favourite yoga instructor. She has the voice of an angel and a superb way of describing poses to make yoga achievable for everybody and every body. She teaches an Intro to Meditation class in the evening at a different location on Thursday nights as well. Depending on how our ultrasound went in the afternoon, I was looking forward to giving this class a shot. For me it was two-fold. First, it gave me a chance to learn HOW to meditate, which is something I want to learn, but can’t seem to figure out. Second, it was another opportunity to spend time listening to this fabulous woman I’ve grown to admire.

After the morning yoga bout, I quickly darted to the library to pick up a few books on yoga, meditation and happiness. Then, I came home to chores that I had put off for a few days. After fixing a crock pot dinner and working on a mountain of laundry (for two people, its ridiculous), I sped off to the hospital for our ultrasound. As yesterday’s post mentioned, I was less than impressed with the medical staff and our experience there. Perhaps this spiralled me into my mood that I feel today? After the hospital visit, my fiancé had to rush back to work. I came home and wrote my post, then I made Yorkshire Pudding and gravy to go with the pot roast I’d put on earlier. When dinner was ready, instead of eating, my man decided to go fishing – a beautiful day will encourage a fishing trip after work every time. It was just as well, because I wanted to hit up this meditation class.

Well, off I went nervous about who would be my classmates and anxious of what this class would teach me. I felt at ease when I walked in the multi-purpose room because of my beautiful yoga teacher’s smiling face 🙂 She allowed me to sit on a yoga mat cross-legged like in yoga class rather than on a folding chair like some of the others. We shared some chit-chat getting to know each other, any past experiences of meditation, why we were there and tried two five-minute meditation sessions. It was ok… not great like my first yoga session had been, but just ok. I wondered whether or not I should show up for the next session next week. That’s when I heard her say, “I won’t be here next week, but someone will be filling in for me”. I was soooo disappointed. I wondered if I should come next week to give it another try and just experience it with a different teacher or whether I should bother at all now. I decided to make the decision when next Thursday came around.

When I got home, I got the newspapers and took them onto my deck to read them. I started reading the front page story, which happened to be about an event venue I used to work at. It made me angry to remember my time there. It was difficult to do that job and I was very unhappy there. A week or two ago, I went back to visit my old co-workers and to announce the news that I was finally pregnant (I used to tell them how I was so ready to start a family and wanted to have like 5 kids NOW). When I got there, it felt cold. I hadn’t been back in 5 or so months and thought they would be excited to see a familiar face and catch up. Nope…    I didn’t tell them I was pregnant, because the receptionist (who was new to me) said the boss wasn’t there and he one lady I did know didn’t even get up from her desk when she saw me. Anyways, reading the front page put me in a mood. I couldn’t figure it out. I just had a peaceful day for the most part and now I was in this mood. I cried in the shower… it just came out, but it didn’t make me feel any better. I took a Gravol before bed because I didn’t want to toss and turn, I just wanted a new day.

But this morning, nothing changed. I started reading where I left off in “The Happiness Project” (September chapter) and thought I’d feel better, but I don’t. Grr… Serenity now! I guess I should try to meditate, huh?

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Today’s ultrasound

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Today we had our second ultrasound at 22 weeks. This is our first baby, so we are excited, anxious, overwhelmed and all the rest of it. What seems to take away from this experience is any interaction we have with hospital staff – at least for me. I’m disappointed that it’s business as usual for the ultrasound technicians. They act like robots 😦 

Today, I had the pleasure of being a student’s guinea pig. I felt like I wasn’t even in the room as the tech and her student talked about how to do this and that. I felt like I wasn’t going to get great pictures because he was still new and learning. On the flip side, my self mastery card in yoga today was about balance. I tried to remember that while I laid on the table annoyed with how things were going. But, everything looks great and baby is a busy bee in there! I thought that seeing a more real image of the body would make it seem more real, but for some reason it doesn’t.

I feel like the next 4 months are going to go by so quickly. I feel sort of like there’s this time line and that I have a short amount of time to get whatever it is I want to get done sans baby in tow. Has anyone else felt like this? I don’t even know what those things are, but I feel this pressure… this anxiety. I always try to be proactive to prevent any challenges if possible – this probably comes from living with my bipolar father.

That’s another thing – I never thought I’d have a baby without my father around to guide me. I don’t care that my mother isn’t around, she was useless with me and my brother, I don’t expect much from her now. But, my dad was my everything. I even said to my fiancé 3 years ago (after my dad died) that I didn’t plan on getting married or having kids in the future, because it was too hard to imagine doing it without him. Obviously, things have changed and I remind myself that he would have wanted this and sometimes I think it may even be easier without him. I say that only because his disorder sometimes made things impossible and so I comfort myself with knowing he now rests in peace and there is a little weight off my shoulders. 

So the count down is on. Baby’s due in January. I keep referring to him as a him, but I don’t know for sure. I want a boy because I like the idea of the big brother (like in my family), although change has proven to be good for me, so we’ll see what this bundle brings come the new year. Lucky 13 🙂

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